A creative and inspirational blog dedicated to busy and burnt out creative entrepreneurs.
The Element Blog
Life moves at such an interesting pace. So quickly nowadays. Information moves faster, we move faster, sometimes not even peeking up from under the visor of our everyday routine, shrouding us in more of the same.
And we wonder why we aren’t happy.
I went to get groceries today. I went down the same aisles, dropping the same foods in my cart, without even looking up to meet another eye of a human other than the cashier.
Head down, keep moving.
Zipping from one end of the store to the other, having forgotten certain items that never made it to my actual list but popped up in the moment.
Head down, keep moving.
Dragging plastic bag after plastic bag from the cart to my car and running to drop the cart in the right place where they’re collected, thank you very much.
Head down, keep moving.
Loading as many bags as I can onto my arms when I get home—sometimes 8 at a time—from my car into the house, winding around an overly eager pup’s squeals.
Head down, keep moving.
And then I started putting the food into the fridge, which had to be put on pause because I hadn’t emptied the fridge of leftovers and such for over two weeks, and there was no waiting for that.
I grabbed a new garbage bag from under the sink. I knew the garbage was already a bit too full for what I’d need.
Head down, keep moving.
I started grabbing plastic fruit bins and tossing them into the bag. Some leftovers were too far gone to even care about the completely reusable plastic tupperware containers they were stored in.
So I just tossed those into the garbage bag too—I have plenty more.
Head down, keep moving.
I found some spoiled yogurt, grabbed it, and looked down at the bag’s bulging sides, tossing it in and turning back to the fridge.
Head down, — wait.
I looked back at the bag.
Wait.
I not only threw away a ridiculous amount of plastic without even really…noticing, but I also wasted a lot of food. There was a large container of meat that I made and just…didn’t want to eat for several days, a bowl of at least 3 more serving sizes (maybe 2) of mixed salad.
A bowl of rice with beef and onion from two weeks ago when I ordered chinese food.
Several pieces of fruit from the bin on my counter.
And I didn’t even realize I was wasting so much.
Because the truth is that I do care about the environment. I care about wasting food, and I had in fact told someone close to me that I was making an effort to waste less food not two weeks before today.
But I was throwing away a big bag full of it.
I hadn’t even been paying attention.
I move move move, so quickly, all the time, that I don’t even realize that I am not living up to who I really want to be—to who I truly am.
And I can’t help but think a lot of the rest of the world is probably doing the same thing.
Who would we be if we just…paid attention?
If we caught ourselves in the moment of awareness and stopped ourselves from doing something that was against our morals or values or even just our goals?
If we instead chose what we wanted, intentionally, and lived up to that?
.
.
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Who could we be?
Next time you look in the mirror, consider that your features are a collection of all your ancestors.
Traits have been handed down from generation to generation, skipping around playfully in recessive alleles, or sometimes drawing a straight line of dominance from origin to what you see reflected back to you. Your genetics tell a long story.
What you have received from your ancestors in appearance is much more apparent than what you have received in temperament, talent, preference, etc., but it is all there, encoded.
In the nature versus nurture conversation, all of this comprises your nature.
This genetic concoction took all of history to manifest in you. Your nature is your inheritance.
And then, upon your conception, nurture gets a turn at the wheel. It is easy to imagine nurture’s window of influence to end with childhood. I am tempted to envision myself as a dependent, as a baby being doted over wrapped in swaddling clothes.
When I think of myself being nurtured in a certain way, images of my parents come to mind. When I think of how nurture affects my development, I am less likely to call to mind the choices I made for myself yesterday, and how they effect today.
Albeit, the nurture window is still wide open.
The Nature VS Nurture Debate…Except What People AREN’T Saying
My growth, my development, the nurturing of my potential was not always my responsibility, but as an adult it appears it is mine, and mine alone, entirely.
Thank God. I am so happy and grateful to have ownership of my life.
How fortunate I am to have complete sovereignty over how I am nurtured. I do, and so do you.
An important couple in my life have a plaque over their hearth that reads, “Where much is given, much is required.” Your sovereignty is a great gift.
We had no authority over our nature, but in this moment, as the poem Invictus concludes, we are the masters of our fate, we are the captains of our souls. In order to nurture ourselves well, much is required.
In this day and age, as we have been turned into products ourselves, being in the world and not of the world is a great responsibility. To turn the Spiderman quote on its axis, with great responsibility comes great power.
Marianne Williamson wrote:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure…”
We are powerful beyond measure. However, if you want to see the full extent of your magic, intentionality is mandatory.
The Intentional Nurturing of Self
Let us start with our responsibility, our power, that is, the intentional nurturing of self. Let us recognize that we are not taking this responsibility as seriously as is warranted.
One reason for this is fear, as Marianne suggests. Another reason, one that is quite common in my experience, is ignorance. I can only fix what I realize is broken, and some missteps in my self-management can be chocked up to a lack of awareness. This is a process of slowly waking up to the ways we are diminishing ourselves, and carefully developing healthier habits.
This is a process of learning, albeit the real learning often succeeds conscious unlearning.
We all have a small section of our brains called the basal ganglia. The basal ganglia is responsible for motor control, motor learning, executive functions and behaviors, and emotions. If you have ever arrived at work without being able to remember your drive, your basal ganglia is responsible.
Your ritual behaviors are coded into this section of your brain until they can be carried out unconsciously. Some things that you have habituated have retreated into the unconscious mind, and you do not realize that you are doing them.
Some of these things are diminishing your magic.
In order to take the intentional nurturing of self adequately seriously, you must become aware of your emotions, curious of their origin, observant of the facts, and intentional about the solution.
Here are a couple examples of how I have recently taken more ownership of my life:
I have not watched a horror movie in years. Apparently, the allure of horror movies is hijacking your fear centers and experiencing emotions one does not commonly experience in regular life. This makes me wonder if horror movies could become a substitute for getting out of my comfort zone and experiencing fear in a constructive manner. Even if this is not founded in reality, I know for a fact I sleep a lot better when I read or fall asleep to something pleasant.
I bought an alarm clock. I found that when I would turn off my phone alarm in the mornings, about 50% of the time I would begin scrolling social media, texts, emails and work forums before I got out of bed. Then, before my feet touched the ground I would be plunged into whatever drama the world felt like dishing up. It was always dramatic. I was starting my day as a product of the world, rather than a loving being merely in the world. Since switching to this alarm clock, by the time I pick up my phone, I have gone for a walk, read scripture, exercised, journaled and gotten a fair chance at starting my day well.
I gave up caffeine. There are a lot of things doctors, therapists, priests, counselors and other leaders would deem normal. Anxiety, depression, fatigue, and stress, to name a few. Just because they are normal does not mean I ought to be okay with having them. The same goes for caffeine. Caffeine is a drug, despite its normalcy. Being caffeinated had become my normal state, so much so that I had left behind my natural state. A month or so into its elimination, I returned to a body aware of its energy levels. If I was wired, I was wired on gratitude. If I was tired, I could identify that my body needed food, or water, or rest. If my body was asking for rest, I obliged. I decided to no longer live artificially awake.
I have a lot of ideas of where I can be intentional next. I intend to do a sober month, a month only listening to Christian or other positive music, give up media news, and others, which I will decide once I become aware of where the need lies.
First, You Must Choose to Nurture Yourself
The ways you choose to nurture yourself could vary from these. These are just ideas.
The point is more to inspect your life for where your basal ganglia has habituated default rhythms. Take a good look at the fruit in your life.
Are you happy, healthy, joyful, and connected to the love of which you are created?
Or are other things normal? Are your friendships rich and nourishing, or are they negative and toxic? How is your heart? Open and buzzing with appreciation, or closed and protected?
How are you?
Answering this question and identifying where you want to change will point toward where you are running a default program. With a little digging, you will find where you can nurture yourself more intentionally.
I invite you to take some time and consider what triggers dis-ease in your life. Without being harsh on yourself or others, what is an intentional action you can take?
Matthew Emmorey
Matthew is temporary and finite, but his soul is with yours for eternity. He is an explorer of truth, a dissolver of fear, a destroyer of illusion, and a guide toward love. He is here for you and with you to participate in experiencing God’s highest and best for all creation. He believes in the loving God, the fellowship of the Son, and the influence of the Holy Spirit as the third eye within every cell of his body. He is here to expand, to be seen, to share his experiences, and to evolve together.
So many self-proclaimed “experts” have touted this advice as the holy grail when it comes to any achievement in life—namely, theirs.
“Just believe in yourself,” they say, like it’s as simple as just washing your hands, or changing a shirt. What they don’t tell you is that this very thing is more like changing your lifestyle from that of sedentary to an active one.
Or even like changing your diet for a healthier version, cutting the crap cold turkey (which we all know is the wrong way to make real change).
That is to say…it seems easy at first, like it’s a quick fix, something that you can flip a switch and make it all better.
But a few days in, you start to sweat.
You realize that you’re not really believing in yourself, but just pretending to, and that believing in yourself means there is a fundamental shift in how you view yourself and your position in this life. And that shit is hard. It doesn’t happen automatically, but you don’t know how.
How do you go from someone who doubts and makes excuses to the person who can stand up and be who you truly want?
Because in order to get where you’re going—no matter where it is—you have to actually believe you can make it.
“Just believe in yourself.”
I have such a problem with the people who tell us to believe in ourselves after they themselves had a hand in pulling us down. Little did we realize before…but since we were only in the single digits, we were being groomed to do the very opposite.
Imagine you are 5-years-old again. You just hurried in the door to your mom/dad/guardians after a day filled with activities of learning about different professions and what you could be when you grow up.
And of course your parents are delighted to ask, repeatedly, every other day at least during your kindergarten year, “what do you want to be when you grow up?”
It was a simple question, so we thought when we were kids. It required a very simple answer. Usually something “honorable” or lofty, something your parents would “aww” about and talk about how proud they were that you wished to be that.
And when we answered with, “A doctor!”, “A marine biologist!”, “An actor!”, our parents cooed and cawed over us, telling us that’s exactly what we could be, their eyes alight and smiles bright.
The next year seemed similar, and maybe the one after that.
The question remained the same.
Your answer did too, for the most part, maybe rotating between a few dream careers you were proud to want to do, the ones that still sounded cool. And the light in your eyes grew each time the adult approved of your grand plan.
But soon, the same question would be asked again, and your same answer would be given, but those same wide excited eyes would start to fall after bearing witness to furrowed brows sinking further into the sideways glances of those adults as each year went by.
Until eventually, we learn to provide answers that receive a nod and maybe a “neat”, something—anything—absent of judging eyes that made us burn inside when we voiced the silly little cute career our childhood selves dreamed of.
This is how, as children, we learn to let other people’s limiting beliefs replace the belief we had in ourselves.
It’s not about learning…it’s about unlearning
We were taught to stop believing in ourselves. We were taught that when our dreams get big and “difficult to achieve,” that it’s already out of reach.
And this is a lie.
Is it really their fault, though? They were taught the same, and the people before them. We’ve all been conditioned to be creative and wild and completely out-of-the-box when we’re small, but eventually we have to be “appropriate” and for some reason, that means we have to conform to some sort of “norm” that really doesn’t exist.
So instead of the idea of starting to believe in yourself, it’s more about unlearning how to NOT believe in yourself.
Because believing in ourselves is innate. We’re born without the self-doubt, without the thoughts that run rampant in attempt to slow us down, keep us “safe.”
When we begin to learn to walk, we don’t sit there doubting or over thinking. We pull ourselves up, and take a step, fully believing we can make it happen. And when we fall down, we repeat the same process: pull ourselves up, take a step, fall. Pull ourselves up, take two steps, fall. Pull ourselves up…until we can successfully walk to our parents, their full support and cheers of glee yanking us forward.
It’s easier then, because we don’t know how to doubt our belief in ourselves.
But when we grow, this learned behavior punctuates the light with shades of darkness that turn dreams into nightmares, something inspiring to something we fear.
How to unlearn self-doubt so you can believe in yourself
Okay, okay. Enough about the what. You know here at Own Your Ordinary, we dive into the how to instead of just spouting information at you like so many people do, you can actually implement it so you can learn and grow—we can learn and grow.
So how do you go about unlearning this behavior, getting rid of the self-doubt and adopted limiting beliefs that are holding you back?
1. Talk to yourself
Most people can find that they often have 2 voices in their heads—2 versions of themselves. One is the voice inside their head that just speaks up at all times, the observer who comments on life.
The other is their conscious voice, the one they can control, the one they can feel as themselves.
When we get the two mixed up, and see them as the same, it’s trouble.
There’s a book I read called The Untethered Soul and it often talks about the difference between you and your thoughts and observations (highly recommend checking it out).
The point is, you can influence that automatic voice inside your head, the non-conscious one, the one that often controls your conscious mind as well. When you use your conscious voice to evaluate those other thoughts, you’re able to shut them down and silence them.
Simply observing those thoughts and then responding with your conscious mind with the truth, can help you see how vastly wrong your thoughts can be.
Here’s an example of one I have often:
Who am I to even talk about this stuff? So many more people have had it worse. Nobody will take me seriously, or worse, they’ll think I’m full of myself.
Conscious mind self-talk:
But…just because other people have had it worse doesn’t take away from my experiences, or the things I’ve learned. And…who cares if “nobody” takes me seriously? Those people are not my audience, they’re not for me anyway. I’m not full of myself because my heart is in this to help other people, and I know where my intentions lie. Who cares if other people don’t or misinterpret? They’re either not for me, or they’ll come around after realizing I’m authentic.
It can feel silly to do this. I recommend writing this stuff in a journal (this is my favorite one, simple, classic). You can really just do exactly what I did above and write down your fear or what your self-talk is saying, and then you can respond to it with your conscious thoughts.
^ This method also works great for other mindset-related things like insecurities or any negative emotions.
2. Interrupt the doubt with, “when did I learn to believe this?”
This one is all about pulling your emotional brain out and filling it with logic. It’s about recognizing those limiting beliefs when they appear, and challenging where they came from.
Think of it like this:
You spend a lot of time around a specific person who uses a phrase repeatedly, one you even find annoying.
After a little while, you start using that phrase over and over again, to the point that your other friends/family start to tell you how annoying it is.
This triggers you to go, “where did I get that from?” or even “Damn! I must’ve picked it up.” And because you’ve recognized that you do it, you now pay attention whenever the opportunity to say it comes up, and you choose not to.
This is the same thing with limiting beliefs and learning to believe in yourself.
Sometimes, you have to spot where that lack of belief came from in order to shut it down.
An example of this for me is when my grandmother used to say I would never get anywhere without going to college. I held this belief myself for a long time, even planning and writing essays to apply to schools that I knew, deep down, I didn’t want to go to.
But because I held that belief, that was the only way.
Then, one day, I was talking to someone and said “well my grandma says…” and then realized…why am I living my life according to a woman I only see a few times a year? That belief is hers, it’s not mine.
And that set me down a path that allowed me to create the life I truly wanted, one I love to live.
So get into the habit of stopping yourself whenever those limiting beliefs come up, whenever you find your mind wandering to, “I can’t do this,” stop and ask “when did I learn to believe that?”
And watch your perception change.
3. Talk to other people
Specifically, talk to the people closest to you, who see you as you truly are and not the person you’ve been conditioned to see yourself as. Yes, this can get difficult if they’re the wrong people…
Meaning, if the people around you are full of limiting beliefs themselves and don’t think you can do things or believe in yourself, they’re not going to help this.
The good people in your life—the ones who are truly there for you and to see you succeed—will help you see yourself in the light you need to in order to accomplish your goals.
Open up to them and explain what you want, who you want to be, and what you think is getting in the way. More often than not (if they’re good people), they’ll tell you how silly our worries are and that you’re more than capable of making it happen.
Sometimes, because we’ve learned from other people to not believe in ourselves, it takes the words of other people to help us get there.
I hope these tips helped! Overall, it’s a lot of self-work. You have to be willing to get vulnerable with yourself, admit your worries and insecurities, and work toward remedying them the best way you can.
THEN, you’ll start to believe in yourself.
When we think of self-development and personal growth, we often think about people who teach it and what their lives look like now…
The Tony Robbins and Brene Browns of the world, preaching their findings to wanting ears. These people who have millions of dollars, a family life to envy. People who are really living a dream that still feels so far out of reach for those of us on the outside, our noses smashed against the glass of their star-studded Instagram feeds, desperate for a closer look.
And when we start trying, when we actually put forth some effort toward real change and making something out of our lives…we end up stuck.
Frustrated.
Uncomfortable.
Angry.
Devastated.
Why do they seem so happy even though they’re doing the same things we’re learning from them? Why does it genuinely just fucking suck to do? Isn’t it supposed to be making our lives better, not worse?…
What are we doing wrong?
After over 6 years of intentional growth in this department, it’s still hard sometimes. But there is a reason for it. And where there’s a reason, there is understanding. What you’ll come to understand here is that sometimes all you need is recognition to trigger a different perspective.
What they never tell you about self-development and its growing pains
It’s called “growing pains” because there are a few parallels between physical growth and emotional and mental growth.
When you’re a child growing up, you outgrow a few things, like toys and jeans and shoes for the physical, and for the mental, it’s things like hobbies, toxic habits, and people. But as you grow, there are actual pains that come along with it. Whether it’s an ache in your lengthening legs or something more emotional. Not every moment will be easy and painless, and oftentimes, these periods come in seasons.
We’re warned about the things we outgrow, but not what that growth feels like.
One late night, right before bed as I was trying to fall asleep with my mind racing. I kept running through why I was having a hard time emotionally.
I had recently been through a rough time with a guy (ugh), and we had a very necessary hour-long conversation after he had done things to hurt me emotionally. During the conversation, I found myself feeling outside of my body a little bit, almost like I was simply watching it unfold.
The Bella from a few years ago—even a single year ago—would have sounded so differently, much more angry and emotionally charged…
But the Bella on that call was calm, clear. She stood up for herself and spoke her truth and that was…weird.
As I was lying in bed falling asleep, I felt uncomfortable. It wasn’t a physical discomfort but something just felt…off. And as I let my thoughts go and my inner monologue take over, I actually wrote down what it was saying about this era of growth for myself—about this very realization nobody actually tells you about self-development:
There will come a time in your journey of self growth where you don’t recognize yourself. You feel like a stranger to yourself. THIS is growth. You are evolving before your eyes. Do not hide away from this, but lean in. Get to know the new you, appreciate it in the moment, because if you’re doing life right, you’ll feel this way again and again over the years. It will feel easy to pull back to the self you know, the one whose thoughts are predictable—albeit worse—than they are with your new self.
Because we find comfort in the normal, even if that normal is uncomfortable.
You have to embrace discomfort in your identity to truly become who you are—who you’re striving to be.
Feeling like a stranger to yourself can cause…issues
Think about a time you were around people you didn’t know at all, strangers.
Depending on your personality type, you may have been fine, even talkative. Or, you may have been like me, quiet and on the outside. Perhaps hiding in a corner, observing.
Now imagine one person finds you, and comes in closer. They invade your personal space, and in fact, they start saying things to you, talking to you as if they’ve known you your whole life but in reality…you have no fucking clue who they are.
What’s your reaction?
No matter if you’re the first type or second, you likely try to back up rapidly, and even say something like, “uh, what the hell dude?”
Because when strangers are in our personal space, telling us things, our reaction isn’t to let them get as close as possible, but to put distance between us because it’s uncomfortable.
Now, imagine that stranger is yourself—and you can’t. get. away.
Is that a bit of an exagerration? Sure, yeah. It’s not an outside stranger approaching you, getting too close, and making you feel unsafe.
BUT!
It could be even scarier because instead of someone on the outside you can move and get away from…
There is no escaping yourself.
And with something like this…you may be tempted to try. Because again, we find comfort in the normal, even if that normal is uncomfortable.
Meaning, it can be easier to fall back into old habits when you feel isolated from your very self. The old you is predictable. You’ve lived with that person forever, you know them, the way they think and act and what they like.
This new you will face challenges you’ve never encountered and it will be scary. Fight the urge to divert back to your old habits and thought-patterns. It’s okay to recognize that, “shit…this feels really weird but…in maybe a good way?”
And that’s just one method of handling something like this so you DON’T go backwards—reminding yourself that not all uncomfortable feelings are bad.
How to get through this specific hardship of self-growth
I’m not just here to tell you the what. I want to actually help you with the how (which to be honest, is a huge pet peeve whenever I read books/blogs about self-development…I mean I GET IT THIS IS WHAT SHOULD BE DONE…but then HOW?!).
It’s not easy. No self-development is easy. If it is, I’m sorry, but you’re doing it wrong.
Here are a few things I do to get through the times where I’ve experienced growth to the level that I feel weird inside my own skin:
1. Do this “outside-perspective” exercise
One time, I was having a hard time with my identity (mostly because of this very topic on self-development—though I didn’t realize it at the time) and I started feeling like I didn’t know who I was.
So I decided to make a list.
I started with with, “I’m the type of person who…” and then I simply listed all of the real things I have done.
Here’s an example of this exercise:
I’m the type of person who…
- moved across the country twice in a single year
- has a job & income I never imagined possible in my lifetime, let alone at 26-years-old
- listens to and reads books about bettering myself all the time
- would rather sit in the uncomfortable truth than to be ignorantly comfortable
- prioritizes mental health even though it’s the hardest thing for me
- eats mostly real, nutritious foods
- journals almost every single morning
- is a leader at work and for my siblings
This is just an example of a few things about my life that truly represent me.
Sometimes, I don’t feel like that person. I still feel like the 17-year-old high schooler who was angry all the time, worked too much, didn’t talk about her feelings, and distanced herself from those trying to get close.
But when I actually write those things out, I recognize the truth of who I am.
If you’re having a hard time, start with something that makes you proud of how far you’ve come. It can be very, very small. When I first started, it was simply, “I’m the type of person who shares my ideas in work meetings” because that was a monumental step for me.
2. Talk to a friend about this specifically
The reason the above exercise works so well is because it forces you out of your head. You get to see who you are with facts, written down on the outside.
Talking to a friend about how you feel about this stuff can do the same thing, especially if you’re an external processor. So ask a friend if they have a minute, mention you’ve been working on yourself (they should already know, because support systems are vital), and tell them what’s on your mind—that you feel like a stranger to yourself because of how you handled a certain situation (or whatever triggered those feelings to bubble to the surface).
Most of the time, they’ll sit there and tell you, “I see you as that new person, you’re not a stranger to me.”
That alone can make a huge difference. It can bring that stranger-you close enough to metaphorically hug.
3. Remember that it’s a passing phase
These feelings are temporary. You won’t always feel like a stranger, and in fact, the amount of times you feel like a stranger to yourself will diminish with time.
The more you grow into the self you want to be, the more you’ll learn to understand this discomfort as growth. You’ll learn to embrace it, and even acknowledge it as a sign you’re getting better.
Self-development is hard. It has growing pains that are unique to each of us as well. This specific one is difficult, because none of us wants to feel like we’re alone inside our own minds. But recognizing it, and learning to understand and cope with it, are a huge part of the self-improvement process.
Ultimately, it will help you take ownership of your life and grow in to bigger and better things.
Success is such an interesting concept.
Everyone wants to figure out how to know if you’re successful because we base so much of your self-worth on it but the thing is, it’s kind of inconsequential.
I’ve been doing a ton of thinking about how to know if you’re successful lately and what really defines “success” in the first place.
At 25-years-old, it’s easy for me to think I should be successful by now. I’m in my mid-20s, have a solid job, rent a house with my dog and cat.
Is that being successful?
Or is that simply a step toward getting there?
If you’re like me, which you probably are if you’re reading this, you’re curious about success and are probably stuck with figuring out if you’re successful in life…
Or if you’re simply letting life go by.
I’m here to help with that. While I don’t have all the answers, I think my unique life has set me up to better understand the concept of success, and I’m gonna break it down for you best I can.
Here’s what I’ll cover for how to be successful:
- What is success?
- The key to success
- How successful people think
- Success without college
- How to be successful
- How to maintain success in life
WHAT IS SUCCESS?
The definition of “successful” is: having achieved popularity, profit, or distinction.
The “having achieved” makes me picture a very significant moment in our lives that’ll somehow make us successful.
But that’s just…not a reality.
Because what this makes us do is compare our own success to some influencer we follow on Instagram or to some standard our parents or grandparents set.
Which is awful because Instagram, or any social media really, is such a fucked up, curated display of someone’s life and just doesn’t show the real shit it took to make that feed what it is.
A lot of people might look at my life from the outside and see it as successful. Especially when you take a look at my past and childhood.
I come from a family of 6 kids (8 in the summers and holidays with step siblings). It was hectic. There was a lot of yelling, not to mention the drinking and other shit that contributed to the trauma.
It wasn’t exactly a …traditional family. I didn’t go to college.
And by those measures, people might look at what I’ve done with my life, created a career for myself, making nearly 6 figures at 25, and say that’s successful.
My own measure? It’s much less relaxed than that.
I couldn’t figure out what success meant to me. But I certainly didn’t feel successful. So I had to do some digging and really sit myself down and figure out what success means to me.
But success is so much more than a singular moment.
In fact, I personally believe success is more about your journey and overall life than it is any single achievement.
A friend of mine wrote an article about how he defines success and it really got me thinking about it for myself. I hadn’t really thought about if I thought my life was successful much until I read his own thoughts on the matter.
Then it got me wondering about how to know if you’re successful. What moment in your life helps you determine if you’ve found success or not?
Instead of digging through the chaos of my brain and trying to divulge the very moments that contributed to my potential success, I decided to think about what success is and how I’d personally define it.
Because at the end of the day, your own definition of success is what matters.
And this is what I came up with for me.
(If you’re following along, comment some of your definitions of success and what you agree/disagree with!)
THE KEY TO SUCCESS
If you’re here for a “quick” win…aka: a key, there simply isn’t one.
“But Bella! You have a section titled the ‘key’ to success!”
Yeah yeah, I’m aware. And I do have a very important key piece of advice in this regard. Something that’s going to change how you read the rest of this article, and hopefully every other piece of “success” advice…
The key to success is simple…
There is no singular thing you can do, be, or say in order to be successful. It’s not a formula someone can take and replicate in order to magically become successful the next day…
HOW SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE THINK
It’s undeniable.
There’s just something about successful people and the way they think that puts them a step above others at times.
What is really on their minds?
We can ask them all we want but the truth is, some successful people don’t even know what makes them unique.
Instead, we’ve got to look at them from afar and determine what those key qualities are. You can watch all the Gary V videos and listen to all his podcasts but the truth is, even Gary V doesn’t really know what makes him tick.
(I personally think Gary V has a complex created as a young child, being an immigrant, trying to fit in. It instills this “winning” mindset and attitude he talks about so much, but we’ll save that psychoanalysis for another time.)
I’ve been following “successful” people for a long time.
Here are a few key qualities I’ve seen in them that I think sets them apart. Understanding these things can help us adopt them and tailor them for ourselves, even.
Again, these aren’t “necessary” in order to be successful, but they sure help a hell of a lot.
1. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT
I think one of the biggest flaws in the U.S. education system is that we don’t prioritize teaching children how to think for themselves, develop their own opinions, and formulate what you want in life.
School and our childhoods are so deeply built around getting good grades and going to college that most people I talk to have no idea what they want.
How can you work toward being successful if you don’t know what you’re even working toward?
The first thing you have to change is how you think about your life.
What are areas you’re working to improve? What is it do you really want by doing that?
Let’s use working out as an example. Firstly, do you want to work out? Why does doing that make you successful? And what is the result you want out of working out?
Because without knowing those details, you can’t measure your true “success” in the area.
If I want to work out in order to get shredded, my measure of success will be so different than if I just want to exercise to nurture my body.
The former will require a much higher level of commitment, hard work, and alterations to other areas of my life—like my diet, everyday habits, and more.
Whereas simply working out to nurture my body really only requires being active and pushing my body.
So you have to know what you really want and think about that often, as it can evolve overtime—and if you don’t change your habits with it, you’ll wake up and find that you just…don’t feel successful.
2. HAVE A GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM
This can be hard.
Some people are born with a great support system. Not all of us can be so lucky, and we usually end up with friends who also fall short in this department.
“Friends,” I should say.
But the truth is, a solid support system can completely change you.
In a good way! And I know what you’re probably thinking, “Yeah yeah, Bella. Cut out the toxic people, we know.”
But it’s not just that. The little stat about you being the sum of the people ou spend the most time with is so true. I’ve experienced it, and here’s how it changed me…
I joined Self-Publishing School for work in June 2018, working part time to start, full-time come the following January 2019.
I really wanted this job. I really really wanted it. I worked my ass of on those interviews and made sure to stand out. And I got a job!
I really didn’t know what I was in for.
The team at Self-Publishing School is comprised of high achievers, positivity, and people focused on bettering the world and themselves. As you can imagine, working with those people and in that environment 5 days of the week really changes you.
There’s never been a time where I was so happy and fulfilled and working toward bettering my life, even more.
Since joining that job, I ended a relationship that was long overdue for it, lived 6 months in Florida (from Wisconsin!), moved to Colorado (where I am now!), have made more progress toward bettering my life from a mental and physical standpoint than ever before.
And it’s because of the support and environment I’ve been in.
This doesn’t mean you have to ditch all your friends and revamp your support system. It could be great already. Maybe all you need is to have a conversation with a close friend or family member about being there for you more.
But sometimes, you do have to make a major, painful change.
It’s worth it.
3. IGNORE WHAT PEOPLE THINK
This is probably the hardest part of success—and really happiness—in life.
We’ve been so hardwired to care what people think that when the time comes to actually be yourself and go after what you want, we’re plagued with thoughts about what everyone else will think about it and us.
Even as I’m writing this, I’m insecure about building my social following because I don’t want people to think I’m trying to be an “influencer” on Instagram or any of that.
But the thing is…
Why shouldn’t that be the goal? That’s what I want, right? To influence people in a positive way. And that means growing my following.
So why does what other people think even matter?
In short, it doesn’t.
Humans are designed to care about what people think. We’re pack animals. We want to fit in and have a place and therefore, we have to think about other people.
At least we used to have to be this way.
That was thousands of years ago when we were evolving and needed to stick in a pack to survive.
But times have changed and now, more than ever, caring about what other people think of your goals and aspirations is toxic…and killing your chances of success (but really, of happiness as a whole).
Successful people? They don’t give a shit about what people think…
At least not what people they don’t know or care about think. Because let’s be real, what your family and close friends think is important to a point.
But the fact is: you have to ignore what other people think and focus on why you’re doing what you’re doing. Remembering your why will always point you to the right move, regardless of what other people think.
4. KNOW YOUR WHY
Speaking of whys! This is so so so important!
What is the reason you’re doing what you’re doing?
And I mean the real reason, the one that matters. Because honestly, I could say that I started this blog to make some extra income. Which isn’t untrue…but the real reason I do this is…
I didn’t have this type of guidance when I was younger, and I worked really hard to figure a lot of this stuff out by myself.
I just wanted this to be a place other people can learn and grow from, a place where they can get the guidance I never had in order to change their life for the better sooner.
And if I’m being really honest…I want my little sisters to change their lives from this.
If you live with constant reminders of your why, you’ll find it’s a lot easier to keep going, even when times get tough.
I personally have my whys printed and framed next to my desk, so I can’t really forget on a day to day basis.
5. WORK TO BE BETTER
Not to be the best.
This is the difference. Some people try to be the best and this usually results in a short period of a ton of success, followed by unhappiness and self-loathing.
Because they’re constantly comparing themselves to whoever they see as “the best” currently.
And that’s no way to live.
So I challenge you to adopt the mentality of truly successful people and focus on being better, not to be the best.
And the only person you should be comparing yourself to is…
6. ONLY COMPARE YOURSELF WITH PAST YOU
I do want to caution that doing this too much can form unhealthy mindset related to your own self-confidence.
But the only person you should be comparing yourself to is the you from yesterday.
This is also a great way to stop caring about what other people think because you’re not thinking about them. You’re thinking about you.
How can you be better today than you were yesterday?
What is a goal today to help you reach that?
Where do you want to be in 3 years, 5, 10, and more? And how can you work to be better than you were before in order to get there?
These questions can seem simple, and I know you already know that you should only compare yourself to who you were yesterday, but it’s often harder than we think.
Even as I write this, I’m thinking of all the other sites and people trying to do what I am here, and it makes me feel kind of shitty.
They already have an established audience, website authority, and even products.
But the truth is…none of them is me. None of them have my experience to draw from in order to help or to write. And that’s what I focus on.
How can I use my past in order to help and better my future?
That’s what you should focus on as well, if you want to be successful in life, that is.
HOW TO BE SUCCESSFUL: SETTING YOUR LIFE UP TO GET IT RIGHT
So…I don’t have all the answers. I’ll make that plan and simple right now.
But I did go from a traumatic childhood to a happy, healthy, and successful life by my measures.
It wasn’t easy, but I’ve learned a lot in the past 5 years as I’ve grown into who I am and what I want in life.
And I’m sharing those things with you now.
Here’s how to be successful…
1. HAVE A PURPOSE
I was always the kid who would sit around thinking about the meaning and purpose of life.
Why are we even here? What are we supposed to be doing?
These questions used to bother me into depression. I never had the answers and the more I thought about it, the more confusing it all became.
But then I had sort of a…revelation of sorts. While high on marijuana, of course. Because that shit is so useful for open-mindedness and conceptual thinking.
What I realized is that it’s your job to discover why you’re here.
There is no answer unless you create what. Which means life is really up to you and what you want. Your “success” in life is dependent on what you define your life to be.
Which means you have to think of a purpose. What is your reason for being and living this life of yours?
For me, it’s to help people. Which sounds broad, because it is. I enjoy helping people in really any way, and doing so makes me happy and feel successful.
But as I write this, my definition has expanded to helping people who have suffered as a child or have been held back by their childhood.
That to me means everything.
What is it for you?
I know this is a huge question, and you likely won’t have the answer in a split second, but you’ll get there.
Here are some questions to discover what that means for you:
- When do you feel most fulfilled?
- What setting or environment often offers you peace?
- What’s something you wish people remember about you when you’re gone?
- If you could leave your children or family members with one lesson learned by you, what would it be?
- What comes to mind when you think of a moment that made you proud of yourself?
Take the time to write those answers down and you’ll likely discover there’s a pattern to them. This is likely your purpose.
And that purpose can become more clear and “sharper” as you discover and develop it.
2. START EVERY DAY NEW
I’m used to be probably one of the worst people with this.
It used to be so hard for me to forget yesterday and start today like it’s brand new. But you need to.
But if you want to be successful in life, you have to start letting go of past grievances, embarrassment, an anxieties that follow you around.
Because whatever happened before shouldn’t dictate today.
It’s easier said than done, but what’s helpful for me is just writing the shit down at night. I have a journal that I just write stream-of-conscious style before bed.
It allows me to get out frustrations and anxieties quickly and in a way that shows me how silly they can be sometimes.
This isn’t to say your concerns and worries aren’t valid, but it’s to say that sometimes, our own perspective can be toxic and by writing it down, you can get a new view of a situation.
That can allow you to let it go and start fresh the next day.
3. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT…AND WHY
As I mentioned above, knowing what you want is so important in order to know if you’re successful in life.
Otherwise, it’s like trying to measure something without any scale.
Imagine if someone told you to define their success in life. What would you need to know?
You’d need to know what they want, why, and what their measure for that success is. Without that information, you’re simply judging based off of your definition and that doesn’t work for other people.
So know what you want in life. Just remember that this is evolving, which means it’s a conversation you have to have with yourself often.
Check in with your desires. What is it that you want out of life and is that lining up with your current actions?
And most importantly, why is this what you want? What area does it fulfill and how is this shaping the life you want to live?
These are important questions, but remember they’re not something you need to answer right this second, but rather, you should continuously be defining them.
4. MAKE A PLAN
Goals are crucial for not only a happy and successful life, but for a healthy mindset as well.
I never used to have goals. Really. It’s just something that I wasn’t really taught or held accountable for when I was young. Therefore, I had no idea how to set good ones and how to actually work to achieve them.
Since joining Self-Publishing School as a job, I’ve been groomed to do this and do it well.
I’ll write a blog post on this (and film a video!), but here are the bullet points for how to make a plan and set goals you can and will stick to:
- Define your “why” and have it visible
- Write your goals down
- Work backward from your desired result to a monthly, weekly, and daily action-item to make it happen
- Set a deadline for yourself
- Review your goals daily
- Have someone who can help keep you accountable (accountabilibuddy!)
- Find a system that works for you
- Read Atomic Habits
5. TAKE ACTION
If we don’t act, life passes us by. The thing is, the time will go by whether you’re doing nothing or working toward your goals and aspirations.
It’s up to you to decide how far along you’ll be as time goes.
But the point is that you can’t just sit here and read this and then do nothing…and continue to complain about the success (or lack thereof) in your life.
You actually have to do something from here.
I’m aware that whenever I say “write this down,” you’re not likely to do it. But even saying that phrase will force you to picture it, and sometimes that can be effective, but not nearly as.
The point is that if you want to make a change, if you really want to get your shit together, you have to do something today. Not tomorrow. Not Monday. Not at the turn of the new year.
Today.
Start now, and you’ll already be another step closer.
6. RECORD YOUR PROGRESS
One of the best things to keep you moving when things get hard is to keep track of the progress you’ve made.
There’s a reason people tell you to snap before and after shots when you’re trying to lose weight or get more fit. It’s so you can refer back to them and compare your progress.
Progress is what keeps you going.
Think about how hard it is to keep doing anything if you can’t see the real results of your efforts. It feels pointless, right? Because you can’t see the impact you’re having.
By keeping track of your goals and their progress, you’ll be re-motivated to keep going whenever you look back at it. And this can do a lot for you over time.
Think about this:
If every time you wanted to stop you picked up your progress tracker and kept going…what would that look like?
How much more would you get done and how much more successful would you be in your endeavors?
Trust me…you’ll be a lot more successful.
I personally do this with my Full Focus Planner and habit tracking sheet I got on Amazon. It’s super simple, is visible daily, and you can visually see the progress stacking up as you go.
I also recommend getting or printing a year-view of your habit tracker so you can see month-by-month progress as well.
Here are a few favorites that can help with this:
[planner/goal tracker affiliates]7. MAKE IT FUN
Rewards for progress are the best.
For me, when I hit my gym days per month goal, I get to order some AlaniNu energy drinks (which are THE BEST).
But that’s just one example.
The point is to make working toward your goals and success fun! It doesn’t have to be this arduous journey filled with nothing but hard work.
Work hard, play hard, right?
Right!
So choose milestones and rewards for reaching them. These can be weekly, monthly, quarterly, even for the whole year. Whatever works for you.
I actually like the fact that the planner I use (the Full Focus Planner), has areas for rewards so you can actually figure those out ahead of time. Which means you’ll be more excited to work toward them.
If your why doesn’t keep you going, rewarding yourself just might! Plus, you deserve good shit for working toward a life you really want. That’s impressive and something you should be proud of.
HOW TO REMAIN SUCCESSFUL THROUGHOUT LIFE
“Success” is such a bad word.
It’s arbitrary, really. There shouldn’t be a singular definition for it because it changes depending on who you are and what you seek in life.
Instead of asking yourself if you’re successful, start replacing that word with “happy.”
Are you happy in life? Are you happy in your job? Are you happy with your finances?
That word is far more important and impacts your life so much more than “success” does. So next time you find yourself questioning your own success, flip that question and put the word “happy” in its place.
This will give you a true measure of your life.
Once you know the answer to that question, you can start to work on the areas of your life that don’t get a “yes.”
Which begs the question, which areas of your life are you happy in and what areas are you not?
Comment them down below and let’s figure out how we can get you there.
